I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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