Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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