my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
