Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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