I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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