On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
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Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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