Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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