I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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