i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
