i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
