today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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