Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
