Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
