i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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