Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
