just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
