I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid