I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
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Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
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I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.