I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
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Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
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.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?