the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
