Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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