I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
