Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
