your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
