how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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