i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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