it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
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