put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
