i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
