Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
