so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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