So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
