Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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