yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
