My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
