I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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