Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
