I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
