Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
