He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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