I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
