So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
