You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
