dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
