I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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