rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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