You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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