Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
