My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
