Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
