Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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