I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
