I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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