she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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