operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
