It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
