Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
