GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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