Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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