Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
