I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
