her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
