I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
if only i could text you this smell
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
